Existing

It’s been awhile. I’m still existing. It’s been a journey – a hard one at that.

Last year was the worst year of my life – hopefully ever. This year I’m healing and learning to hope again.

It’s like I kept getting beat even after I was down. When you lose your spark and your love of life you are left with a shell. An empty shell that is like a shadow of life. It feels unfair.

Not only one but two hospitalizations last year eradicated any and all doubt of the seriousness of the illness. And with them being so close together I feel like I’m living one breath away from a relapse. I can’t exhale.

It’s times like these they say to count your blessings. So I do – with so much fear. It’s fear that the few things I do have to hold on to might be taken from me as well.

So I simply continue. Another day. Another night. Another day. Each as grey as the one before it.

Hope. Hope that life will once again sparkle. Hope that I will once again experience peace. Hope is the seedling I am nurturing.

I hate this disease.

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